i was always a socially anxious kid, i never had too many friends and for as long as i remember being alive i've struggled to connect with people, wether it be over interests, music, whatever. i was never able to naturally express my thoughts and feelings.

in my family, i'm notorious for going to the toilet at least every 20 minutes at family gatherings and parties. i don't really have that weak of a bladder though, most of the time when i go in there i don't even pull my pants down, i just need 5 minutes of alone time to regain the social energy i need to blurt out coherent sentences.

the main reason for this is because i think in thoughts, not words. unless im doing math, or reading something, i have never had an inner monologue. my brain recognizes things, thinks, and reacts, but none of it involves language.

i think this is because humans are naturally social animals. we, by nature, speak in certain tones and rythms, pitches and volume, to communicate stuff. we have a built in thought-to-word translator. well, i don't

to put my thoughts into words, i have to actively put in the energy of translating. all my words are manual, i am simply observing what's going on in my brain and attempting to describe it. this has made it extremely difficult to talk about complex and more deep emotions and feelings

then, around mid-august, i did psychedelic mushrooms. i was coming out of a shitty period in my life, and have always believed in its healing properties, so i decided now was the time. i got 3.5g of penis envy, ate 1, and another half gram about an hour later.

after the trip, i noticed the sheer speed of my brain. on a call with my girlfriend, i was not only accurately describing the things i was thinking about (which mostly consisted of my philosophy about life, morals, and existence, as well as recognizing a lot of my odd behavior as coping mechanisms i learned as a child from being in a shitty environment), but i had so much to say i could literally not keep up.

and i mean that in the most literal way. i would have a thought, say it out loud, 2 more thoughts would pop up, i would say 1 of them out loud, and by the time i finished my sentence, 4 more thoughts sprouted out of that one thought, and eventually i had a queue of 10-something thoughts and ideas that i wanted to communicate.

nevertheless, for about 4 hours, i spoke. my girlfriend didnt say much. i spoke about what i think the meaning of life is, why people even want to find meaning that bad, why people do certain things, how things from people's childhood can affect them in their adulthood... for 4 hours, i spoke without thinking. if i wasn't so tired, i could've spoke for 4 more hours instead of sleeping.

but then, the next day, i could still speak. and it didnt really take that much effort anymore. the things i used to do manually, now came naturally and instinctively. i could essentially have conversations on autopilot, instead of having to think about every single word i say. i could crack jokes, i could quickly decide what and what not to say in a matter of seconds, rather than minutes. my thought-to-word translator gets a break. and now about 2 months later, i can still. speak.

i soon realized why: every thought i have, wether its noticing a cool piece of grafitti, an opinion i have on a news article, a song idea, remembering i have to do a certain chore... i would think it, in words. i would say it in words in my head, before i even said it out loud. all i have to do now is copy from my brain. the words are already there.

psychedelic mushrooms gave me an inner monologue and essentially cured my lack of social skills.

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